Sometimes I Wonder Why I Bother

I don’t talk about this side of writing very often. I talk about the books I’m working on, how many chapters I’ve finished, new covers, rereleases, characters who won’t cooperate, and all the other random things that come with being an author. But what I don’t talk about nearly as much are the days when I look at all of it and wonder why the hell I bother.

Because those days definitely happen.

Sometimes I open my sales dashboard and there isn’t a single sale. Sometimes I spend way too much time creating a post, put it on Facebook, and practically nobody sees it. Or people see it and nobody interacts with it, which might actually be worse because then I know you’re all there. 😂 I send newsletters, make graphics, update my website, give away review copies, try to come up with new ways to reach readers, and do all the things we’re constantly told we’re supposed to do as indie authors. And sometimes it feels like I’m putting a ridiculous amount of time into something while screaming into an empty room.

I know I’m not supposed to care about the numbers.

Every piece of author advice tells you that. Don’t obsess over sales. Don’t worry about followers. Don’t compare your engagement to someone else’s. Don’t refresh your dashboard. Don’t judge the success of a book by how many reviews it has.

Okay.

But also… how the hell are you supposed to completely ignore it?

I can tell myself that Facebook’s algorithm sucks. I can remind myself that people don’t interact with every post they see. I know that someone can buy a book months after first hearing about it. I know readers have approximately a billion books competing for their attention. I know ALL of that.

And sometimes I still look at the numbers and think, Maybe my books just aren’t good enough.

That’s the part I don’t think authors talk about enough.

Because These Books Mean Something to Me

I’ve been writing for a long time. I’ve grown a hell of a lot since I published my first book, which became extremely obvious this summer when I decided it would somehow be a good idea to completely rewrite four of my older books. There were definitely moments when I wanted to ask Past Morgan what the hell she was thinking. 😂

But even when the writing wasn’t as strong as what I can write now, the heart behind those stories was there.

I pour a lot of myself into what I write. Sometimes probably more than readers will ever realize.

Summer Love Autumn Goodbye will always be incredibly personal because of Chad. The Self Inflicted Saga tackles subjects I’ve always believed we need to be willing to talk about, even when they’re uncomfortable. And now I’m writing Unraveled Prophecies, which is an entirely different genre and world, but somehow I’ve still managed to fill it with characters dealing with trauma, identity, figuring out who the hell they are, and learning that the things that happened to them don’t have to determine everything that comes after.

Apparently I have themes. 😂

So these books aren’t just things I throw online and hope somebody buys. I spend months with these characters. Sometimes years. I write everything by hand first, then type it, then edit it, then edit it some more, and eventually reach the point where I’m pretty sure I never want to look at the damn thing again.

Then I put it out into the world.

And wait.

That’s a really weird thing when you think about it. You spend hundreds of hours creating something that matters to you and then basically hand it to strangers and hope somebody else cares about it too.

So yeah, when nobody seems to?

Sometimes that hurts.

And It’s Definitely Not Just Writing

The more I thought about this, though, the more I realized I do the same thing in the rest of my life.

I wonder if I’m good enough there too.

I wonder if I’m a good enough parent. If I’m doing enough for the people I care about. If I should have accomplished more by now. If I made the right choices. If I handled something the right way. If I should be better at balancing everything instead of constantly feeling like I’m forgetting at least one thing I’m supposed to be doing.

I don’t think that’s unusual.

I think most of us wonder if we’re good enough sometimes.

Maybe you’re staring at numbers too, just different ones. A number on a paycheck. A grade. A bank account. A scale. The number of applications you’ve sent without getting the job. The number of years you’ve been working toward something that still hasn’t happened.

Or maybe there isn’t a number at all. Maybe you just look at everyone around you and feel like somehow they got the instruction manual for life and yours got lost in the mail.

Social media sure as hell doesn’t help with that. We get to see everyone’s announcements, vacations, accomplishments, new jobs, relationships, perfect family pictures, and whatever else they’re celebrating. We don’t always see them sitting alone somewhere wondering if they’re screwing everything up.

I know I do.

Not constantly. I’m not sitting around every day having some giant crisis about whether I should be writing. Most of the time I’m too busy actually writing—or driving someone somewhere, sitting at the theater, working, reading, watching wrestling, or doing one of the other 47 things happening in my life—to have time for that. 😂

But those moments happen.

And I think it’s okay to admit that.

Sometimes I Want to Give Up

There are absolutely times when I’ve wondered what would happen if I just stopped.

What if I didn’t worry about marketing anymore? What if I stopped watching sales numbers? What if I didn’t spend hours making graphics and scheduling posts and trying to convince people to take a chance on my books? What if writing went back to being something I did only for myself?

It would certainly be easier.

But then I’ll be driving somewhere and a scene pops into my head. Or I’ll hear a song and suddenly know exactly what one of my characters is feeling. I’ll sit down with my notebook intending to write for twenty minutes and look up much later wondering where the time went.

And apparently I’m not done yet.

Maybe someday I’ll sell thousands and thousands of books. Maybe I won’t. Maybe Unraveled Prophecies will find a completely new group of readers. Maybe I’ll still be over here five years from now yelling into the Facebook void asking the same twenty people to please review my damn books. 😂

I don’t know.

And that’s kind of the point.

I don’t know what happens if I keep going.

But I definitely know what happens if I quit.

Nothing.

So I Keep Going

I wish I could end this by saying I’ve figured out the secret to never doubting yourself again, but that would be complete bullshit.

I’m probably going to look at my sales numbers again.

I’m probably going to post something I really like and be annoyed when six people interact with it.

I’m probably going to read something another author wrote and think, Damn, why can’t I write like that?

I’m probably going to wonder if I’m good enough again.

And not just as an author.

Because I’m human, and sometimes humans are ridiculously good at convincing ourselves that everyone else is doing better than we are.

I don’t think the goal has to be reaching some magical point where you never doubt yourself again. Maybe the goal is just learning that doubt doesn’t always deserve the final say.

You can have a shitty day and question everything.

You can wonder if you’re good enough.

You can get discouraged.

You can take a break.

Hell, you can sit there for a while and wonder why you bother.

And then you can keep going anyway.

That’s what I’m trying to do.

I’m still writing. I’m still putting books into the world. I’m still trying to find the readers who need the kinds of stories I write. I’m still working on Unraveled Prophecies, even though I have absolutely no idea what its future is going to look like.

Maybe that’s enough.

Not believing with absolute certainty that everything is going to work out exactly the way I want.

Just believing there’s still enough possibility ahead of me that I’m not ready to give up and find out.

And if you’ve been wondering lately whether you’re good enough at whatever it is you’re trying to do?

I don’t have that answer for you either.

But I do know you’re allowed to wonder.

Just don’t confuse wondering if you should give up with actually having to do it.

Tomorrow might be better.

And sometimes that’s enough reason to stick around and see. 🖤

#YouAreNotAlone