When Everything Feels Heavy

There are times when I can point to the exact reason I’m overwhelmed.

There’s a deadline. Someone needs me. Something went wrong. There are seventeen things on my to-do list and approximately six hours available to accomplish them.

And then there are times when everything just feels… heavy.

That’s probably the best word I have for this week.

Monday’s Music Monday song was Heavy by Linkin Park, and when I originally planned my September songs, I had no idea how appropriate that choice would eventually feel. Actually, I hadn’t even planned to use it this week. I changed the song after Sunday night because suddenly it was the only one that felt right.

Saturday, my son and I were at All Out. We watched PAC wrestle live. Less than twenty-four hours later, we learned that he had died.

I’ve dealt with enough loss in my life to know grief doesn’t always make sense. You don’t have to personally know someone for their death to affect you. Sometimes it’s the shock. Sometimes it’s what that person or their work represented to you. Sometimes it’s simply the reminder that someone can be here one day and gone the next.

And sometimes it lands on top of everything else you’re already carrying.

Because life doesn’t politely clear your schedule when something is hard.

The laundry still exists. Kids still need things. Work still needs to be done. Bills don’t care that your brain is exhausted. In my case, I’ve suddenly added homeschooling a freshman back into a life that already included four kids, a tax office, theater, writing books, editing books, marketing books, and occasionally remembering that I’m also supposed to be an actual human being somewhere in there.

None of those things individually has to be terrible for the combined weight of them to become a lot.

I think sometimes we’re too quick to decide we need to justify feeling overwhelmed. We start adding up our problems and comparing them to someone else’s.

Other people have it worse.

This isn’t really that big of a deal.

I should be able to handle this.

I’ve handled worse before.

Maybe you have.

That doesn’t magically make what you’re carrying right now lighter.

I’ve been thinking about that a lot this week. Not just because of the song or because of what happened Sunday, but because I’ve caught myself doing exactly what I always do: looking at everything that needs to happen next and immediately trying to figure out how to keep all of it moving.

When am I writing?

How many chapters am I editing?

What needs to be posted?

What’s next for homeschool?

What does work need?

What’s happening at theater?

What did I forget?

There is always something else.

And I am very good at convincing myself that if I can just organize everything correctly, I can somehow make all of it fit.

Sometimes I can.

Sometimes I need to admit that I can’t.

That doesn’t mean everything gets abandoned. It doesn’t mean responsibilities disappear or that I suddenly stop caring about the things that matter to me.

Sometimes it just means deciding what actually needs me today.

That’s something I’m still learning.

I spent part of Sunday doing exactly what I needed after the chaos of the previous week: playing video games and listening to an audiobook. It wasn’t productive. It didn’t move a manuscript forward. It didn’t create content. It didn’t accomplish anything I could put on a weekly checklist.

But my brain needed it.

And maybe rest doesn’t always need to accomplish something else to be worthwhile.

We’re surrounded by this idea that even our downtime should somehow be productive. Read the book that teaches you something. Do the hobby you can monetize. Turn the fun thing into content. Take pictures. Record video. Share the experience. Build the audience.

Sometimes I don’t want to.

Saturday, I didn’t take nearly as many pictures at All Out as I normally might have. I was watching the show. I was hanging out with my son. I was enjoying the people around us.

And after what happened the next day, I’m even more grateful that I wasn’t watching that experience through my phone.

I was there.

Maybe that’s part of what I’m taking from this week.

There will always be another task waiting. Another post I could make. Another chapter I could edit. Another thing I could organize.

There isn’t always another Saturday.

So when everything feels heavy, maybe the answer isn’t always figuring out how to become strong enough to carry more.

Maybe sometimes it’s figuring out what you can put down.

Even if it’s only for today.

The work will still be there tomorrow.

For now, I’m trying to get a little better at recognizing when my brain is telling me it’s carrying enough.

And if everything feels a little heavy for you right now too, you don’t have to justify it by proving that your problems are bad enough.

You’re allowed to be tired.

You’re allowed to put something down.

You’re allowed to have a day where surviving, resting, playing a video game, listening to an audiobook, sitting with someone you love, or doing absolutely nothing impressive is enough.

Because sometimes surviving long enough to find out what comes next really is the bravest thing you can do.

🖤

#YouAreNotAlone